Thursday, July 29, 2010
I don’t know what to make of things now. Earlier this week I had an MRI so my doctor’s could take a look at my brain since the last MRI. If you remember one of the previous MRIs showed no regrowth in the tumor area. Good news! But the scan also showed some white spots in the front area of my brain… Good news? Bad news? No just news… the Doctors weren’t positive what to make of the spots, they hadn’t seen this before. So this past Monday I had another MRI … no changes! Is this good? is this bad? I don’t know. Clinically I’m doing well. I feel well. I look well. So I’m still of my chemo and Avastin. Are the spots a result of the Avastin? No one knows. Avastin is relatively new to the brain cancer world. The spots are not a tumor or at least not acting like a tumor, I’m not reacting to the spots as if I had a tumor. Are the spots just spots in the works to forming a tumor and we did a MRI just before a tumor was formed? And they took me off the Avastin before it could do any damage? This is what scares the shit out of me no one knows. They have never seen this before.
So our next step is to send me to Duke University in North Carolina. Not sure when I’m going but I believe I’ll be finding out soon and be on the way soon. Once I am there I’m not sure how long I’ll be there, my gut tells me three days.
What a whirlwind this has been. This nightmare started just over a year ago. I woke up one day as Just Michael Levine (father, husband, brother, son) and woke up the next day as (father, husband, brother, son) and now cancer patient. Nothing we ever expect to find out. This doesn’t happen to us. It happens to other people. Well you know what? I am other people… we all are other people. I’m keeping my positive attitude and strength even though it gets harder day by day. I have to keep that attitude in order to keep myself alive; I need it to get through each day. What gives me the most strength is my little boy Cole. My day could be as shitty as possible and just seeing him and getting a daddy hug and daddy kiss will make everything all right.
On August 3rd it will be the one year anniversary of my surgery. Do I celebrate? Do I morn? Do I ignore it? How do I honor that day?
After all I have been through so far this is the most frightening. The uncertainty is getting more and more uncertain. What’s going to happen when I get to Duke? I don’t know. No one knows? So I don’t know what to the state of mind I am in. I am positive and staying strong all the while being terrified. Is there a word for that? I just don’t know.
Yes Mike, there is a word for that, it is called being human! You have been through an awful lot this past year, more than anyone deserves. I can't tell you that everything will be all right and that the spots mean nothing, but I hope with all my heart that they do (mean nothing that is). It is terrifying. I wake up every morning with the fear that something has stopped working over night, so I understand how you feel. You have a positive attitude and it is contagious, no matter what the Dr's tell you up there, keep the attitude, it is half the cure!
ReplyDeleteHi Mike,
ReplyDeleteTerrified, what a word, we too are approaching the one year mark. I don't know whether to celebrate or cry. My husband has the same as you. Keep the hope alive, I look often to your blog to see how you are doing. No one can know what this is like. The sheer terror of it all, I hold on to hope and my guy with everything I've got because I refuse to let him go. The terror for me is what will I ever do without him. So eventhough every day is filled with fear I hold on to hope with everything I have because the alternative is beyond my comprehension. White spots - tell yourself they are just white spots - they don't mean anything. We also did a walk for research and raised over $1500. Keep up the attitude, for you, for your son, and for your wife. My thoughts are with you.
Mary