Headed to Duke

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I don’t know what to make of things now. Earlier this week I had an MRI so my doctor’s could take a look at my brain since the last MRI. If you remember one of the previous MRIs showed no regrowth in the tumor area. Good news! But the scan also showed some white spots in the front area of my brain… Good news? Bad news? No just news… the Doctors weren’t positive what to make of the spots, they hadn’t seen this before. So this past Monday I had another MRI … no changes! Is this good? is this bad? I don’t know. Clinically I’m doing well. I feel well. I look well. So I’m still of my chemo and Avastin. Are the spots a result of the Avastin? No one knows. Avastin is relatively new to the brain cancer world. The spots are not a tumor or at least not acting like a tumor, I’m not reacting to the spots as if I had a tumor. Are the spots just spots in the works to forming a tumor and we did a MRI just before a tumor was formed? And they took me off the Avastin before it could do any damage? This is what scares the shit out of me no one knows. They have never seen this before.

So our next step is to send me to Duke University in North Carolina. Not sure when I’m going but I believe I’ll be finding out soon and be on the way soon. Once I am there I’m not sure how long I’ll be there, my gut tells me three days.

What a whirlwind this has been. This nightmare started just over a year ago. I woke up one day as Just Michael Levine (father, husband, brother, son) and woke up the next day as (father, husband, brother, son) and now cancer patient. Nothing we ever expect to find out. This doesn’t happen to us. It happens to other people. Well you know what? I am other people… we all are other people. I’m keeping my positive attitude and strength even though it gets harder day by day. I have to keep that attitude in order to keep myself alive; I need it to get through each day. What gives me the most strength is my little boy Cole. My day could be as shitty as possible and just seeing him and getting a daddy hug and daddy kiss will make everything all right.

On August 3^rd it will be the one year anniversary of my surgery. Do I celebrate? Do I morn? Do I ignore it? How do I honor that day?

After all I have been through so far this is the most frightening. The uncertainty is getting more and more uncertain. What’s going to happen when I get to Duke? I don’t know. No one knows? So I don’t know what to the state of mind I am in. I am positive and staying strong all the while being terrified. Is there a word for that? I just don’t know.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The last few weeks have been fun. Kim and I went to Key West for a few days… just the two of us. We had a great time. Of course we missed Cole but it was nice to get out just the two of us… it was the first time we went on vacation without Cole. And this past weekend my family had a small party and I got to spend time with some of the people closest to me… that is always a big help and boosts my attitude every time.

As far as me I’m doing well. The last MRI I had showed no regrowth of the tumor which is just astounding. But the results are double edged. Even though there is no regrowth they found some white spots in the front area of my brain. They don’t think it is a tumor… it’s not acting like a tumor… I’m not reacting to it as if it were a tumor. What my doctors believe is that it’s a reaction to the Avastin I am taking to keep the tumor from growing back. So what we are going to do for a few weeks is take me off the Avastin and the Chemo and see what happens. We’ll do another MRI and from that we will learn more.

But I still feel good. We are worried about what we will find out… I’m still living a life of uncertainty… my entire family is. I always expect the best and try not to think about the worst but it is always there. I will keep my positive attitude and with your help. With your prayers and thoughts I know no matter what we find out we will get through it.

Life

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Life…

I have come up with a new motto… Life is a contest; your only competition is yourself. You decide if you win or lose… you may be asking me… Mike what does that mean? What it means is… simply you decide your own fate, life may hand you a crappy hand of cards, but if you play hose cards rite you will win. It doesn’t matter what anyone else has, had, or will have… play your cards rite and you will win. Look at me I have freaking brain cancer… one of the most aggressive forms of it, and as far as I am concerned I am winning… I am winning in life and if I were to go today I won… I freaking won!!!!! I have an awesome son a beautiful wife, a loving and supporting family as well as friends. Life is all about attitude, I may have cancer and of course the medicine, doctors and science have helped… but it is also attitude that has gotten me through this hell… along with the prayers and support I get from family, friends and strangers from around the world. When your down and feeling like shit it’s your attitude, family and friends that pull you back up. Lying in bed and asking why me will not get you better… it will just bring you down and possibly make you sicker.

I just found out today that I inspired a friend to come out about her illness. She has muscular dystrophy, and turtleitis. I am praying for her and her family. She has been reading my blog over the last year and it inspired her to do the same. She is now writing s blog sbout her battle. How awesome is that? This just goes to show that what I have been saying is true. I got this cancer for a reason. If it’s just to inspire people to do whatever they have to do to make them self’s feel better then that’s fine. I am winning in life… and so is she.

Now one more thing… my news friends would say I buried the lead story but o’well. Las week I had a MRI and it went well. Those of you who read it on Facebook already have an idea of what happened.

The results came back good. There was no tumor regrowth. I have no tumor!!! As good as that sounds there is more to the story. The MRI did show some white spots on the front area of my brain. The doctors think it is a result of the Avastin a new medicine I have been taking to fight the regrowth of the tumor… so it has been doing its job. So for the next few weeks I am off the Avastin and the Chemo. I then get a follow up MRI in a few weeks to see if the white spots are gone or have reduced in size. I know this sounds scary but it’s not as bad as it sounds. They don’t believe it is a tumor, just a side effect from the Chemo.

So please as usual keep me in your prayers.