First off again I have to thank everyone for the prayers I have and am receiving… I can’t explain just how overwhelming and encouraging that is… I love you all.
And sorry for the spelling… I am the world’s worst speller.
The most difficult part of my battle is not death… I’m not afraid of dying. I am afraid of leaving my family alone and not being there for them. I can’t imagine not being able to watch Cole grow up. Like I have said before I have to dance at his wedding… and I know I will. But I also have to be realistic and being diagnosed with brain cancer forces you to face your own mortality. If it’s not cancer it could be that famous bus we all have heard about… I could get hit by a bus at anytime.
I haven’t broken into tears much lately… but thinking about Cole growing up without me puts me into tears each time. I’m tearing up now. My biggest fear is will he remember me? His not even four years old… I don’t remember much from that age myself.
It does force me to cherish each and every second I have with him now. This morning I woke him up for school and I just wanted and did hold and hug him and let him know that I loved him. What’s really hard is discipline… I don’t want something to happen to me and his last memory of me is me punishing him.
Like I said I was forced to face my own mortality and all the things we would miss together. This is the scariest part of my battle. Once more I have to watch Cole grow up and be there for Kim.
It also makes me ask myself what is death? What happens to us when we die? Will I be able to look down and watch Kim and Cole? I know each religion has its own belief and I’m not even sure what Judaism teaches us to believe… But either way I hope we can look down and watch our loved ones go on without us. If I do leave before my time it’s nice to think that I’ll still be able to watch Cole grow up.
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You are amazing...
ReplyDeleteWanted to chime in on your question about death and share my thoughts on that subject.
Being from SF, I have watched all of my loved ones die. Some in hospital, some in my arms, some left town and were never heard from again. Here is what I know about death;
Even while the body ceases to function, one's spirit never dies. It's a constant force that cannot be stopped. It lives on as you will.
Love you,
Mark
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ReplyDeleteMy friend... I've never felt the urge to reply to a blog before, but your story touched me deeply. I wish I had the proper command of the English language to express how much I admire and respect how you are handling all of this. I will simply say god bless you and your family. Please stay strong. Rage against your illness, keep up the good fight. Never give in, never give in, never give in...
ReplyDeleteWith deep admiration,
Bill Diamond
Mike,
ReplyDeleteI know it's tough not to get caught up in the stats and what the doctors say...but from someone who knows about this, DON'T QUIT! I have found you have to have hope, hope that you can win against it. That hope leads to faith, the faith in God, that He is taking care of you! Some days are easier than others, but as you friend said, NEVER, EVER, GIVE IN! When it's your time, it's your time. That could be a year, 10, 50, who knows. At the right time, you will know, more than likely. In the meantime, FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT! FIGHT FOR COLE, AND KIM. Don't get angry, that doesn't do anything. Just be smart about how you handle it, and try and stay in peace as much as you can. Being at "rest" while you fight this is easier said than done, but it will lighten your emotional load significantly. And that will help your body physically heal, and that is what you are ultimately trying to achieve. I will call soon, Leslie
I keep learning about more and more people who have beaten brain cancer and I am positive you will be added to that list!
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