Day to Day

Today is another day and not much is new with me other than yesterday I took video of my radiation and plan on posting it on as soon as I can I have include a still from the session so you can get an idea as the what it looks like. I do plan on putting together a piece on what I go through on a daily basses from waking up Cole in the morning to taking my pills to the mundane all the way through to me going to bed. It will be a day in the life of Michael Levine.

Again if you have any questions about my daily routine or any thing please feel free to ask as you know I am an open book and want to le you all know what I am going through

Only In My Dreams

You know as real as my battle has become as much of my life it has taken over I still think I am going to wake up one morning and this will all be as dream… I guess more of a nightmare but it still does not seem real. I suppose it is naive of me to think it is possible to wake up one morning and this will all be gone… but that’s what goes through my mind all the time that this is nothing more than a horrendous nightmare. How nice would that be to wake up in the morning and just have the problems I had before… the problems that I once thought were the end of the world… the problems that now seem so trivial? As I have said before having cancer puts your life into perspective what you once thought was a gigantic problem now seems insignificant.

Last night was Yom Kuppur and I was able to spend it with a majority of my family… what a good time I had… a simple evening with the family. I can’t say it enough you just don’t realize how much family means until you really need them… and I need them now. They are all by my side whenever I need them. If one good thing has come out of this it is the family has gotten closer… we have all bonded over this and gotten to know one and other even better than before. Family that’s what life is all about FAMILY.

Feeling much better now I am ready for the battle of my life, everyone’s outpouring of support, love, and prayers has been nothing more than heartwarming and please continue to keep me my family and others fighting cancer in your thoughts and prayers.

Things Are Good

Thursday was a fun day – I got to stop by WPBF Channel 25 - one of my old clients. It was fun seeing everyone and catching up with old friends. One of their anchor is a survivor of breast cancer and is a true inspiration to me and we swapped stories and we plan on getting together so I can pick her brain (no pun intended) she has a lot to teach me.

My cousin Melissa was my chauffeur for the day it is always a blast hanging out with her for the day. And after WPBF we stopped by my mothers work to see her so the day was full of seeing family and friends… what more can I ask for?

This morning I met with my radiation doctor and he told me things are going great… I am 14 zaps down with 16 to go. He also told me I look great and am doing awesome.

I am going to be adding more video to the blog so please keep an eye out for that. Monday I will be shooting video of my radiation and other daily activates I go through as I fight the fight.

Unspoken Bond

Yesterday I visited my Chemo Doctor’s office for some blood work. While getting my blood drawn (they only pricked my finger) there were three other patients getting blood work done too. The weird thing was as soon as I walked into that room I felt an instant bond with these other patients we are all going through the same thing… different forms of cancer but we were all battling cancer in some way or other. I was the newest to the battle field most of these people were long time veterans on the battle field… as you know it’s only been three months so far for me. Some of these people have been battling the big “C” for years… and that gives me hope.

I drew more inspiration from these patients… they understand what I am going through… they have been there… they can give me advice. I was the youngest one in the group – all the other patients were seniors they were mostly in their 60’s-80’s… even more reason to be inspired by them… they have been fighting the fight for years.. I am looking forward to my next visit so I can draw more inspiration and wisdom from these amazing people.

As some of you may or may not know I have been thinking about getting a tattoo to symbolize my battle… but I have been struggling with just what to get. Well I figured it out. I have been saying from day one that I have to dance at Cole’s wedding… that is my goal. That is what I am going to get inked on my arm… a situate of Kim and I dancing together with a shadow of Cole in the background. This will remind me daily of my goal and it will help me continue to fight my fight. The only problem I am running into is there is an old Jewish wives-tale that says you can’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery if you have a tattoo – I need to meet with a Rabbi and find out how true this really is.

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

Well I think it started… I think I am beginning to lose my hair – I woke up this morning with black hair all over my white pillow. I knew this may happen but since I have been feeling so good and still feel great I thought that maybe… just maybe my hair would stay – but it looks like the hair maybe on the way out. I guess I’ll be saving on shampoo? Either way no big deal I like to shave my head anyways… I look good bald.

I had several questions sent to me yesterday I would like to answer some of them.

1. Have you found any songs that have inspired you or given you strength?
Yes – From VanHallen’s Jump “You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real”

And also from VanHallen “Catch that magic moment, do it...Right here and now...It means everything”

Ain't no passing craze It means no worries for the rest of your days It's our problem-free philosophy. And from Disney’s The Lion King “Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase Hakuna Matata!

Along with many many other songs and artists… not a day goes by that I don’t hear something that inspires me.

3. As a professional videographer, are you making a video diary/documentary of your experiences?
Yes – if you look to the right of the blog there are two videos already posted and I am working on more. I will be asking my doctors if I could shoot some of my treatments. I am really hoping to shoot my radiation.



4. Do you (or your wife) Google/read online/articles about your diagnosis? Or do you try to avoid that?
We have done a lot of research but we are carful as to what we read some of it may not be true and we have to take it all with a grain of salt… we go over everything with our doctors to get there opinion. I don’t really avoid much. Kim does avoid more than me but she still reads more than I do.


5. Has this experience changed your religious beliefs at all? I have to admit some of the "bad" things in my life have left me rather agnostic at best.
Yes it has… I’m not more religious persay… I am more faithful... faithful in humanity. Having people pray for you around the world – having strangers pray for you just gave me faith in humanity. I have faith that I will beat this and dance at Cole’s wedding.

You’re Questions

I wanted to take today to ask you my friends and supporters if you have any questions about my diagnoses or cancer in general… what do you want to know? Feel free to ask anything you want. As you know I am an open book. Email me at mlevine40@gmail.com with your questions.

Life’s Impact

I never realized the impact I have made on other peoples life’s until recently. Yesterday September 20th was my 39th birthday. The amount of birthday wishes I received was incredible… people I haven’t seen in twenty-five years came out to wish me a happy birthday… mostly through facebook.

Facebook has been an awesome outlet for me during my battle. I have been able to reconnect with old friends and even people I barely knew through facebook. Some of them told me to keep fighting and even though we may have only met once I made an impact on their lives.

You have to understand through most of my life I have had a very low self-esteem… it still at times comes out. I didn’t have many friends through school... I wasn’t the cool kid... I wasn’t the smart one... I wasn’t the athlete… I was the outsider – or at least thought I was. I just didn’t fit in anywhere. Not many people talked to me… But they knew me… who knew? All that time I thought I was on the outside I was making an impact on others lives.

I don’t think any of us realizes that each person we meet we leave some type of impression on them… whether we meet them for one minute or we end up being lifelong friends, we all leave some sort of impression. – Good or bad. Some of the people I have heard from lately I barely recalled – but once I thought about it I remembered them and remembered that they did leave some sort of impression on me.

Being diagnosed with cancer definitely forces you and the people around you to revaluate what matters. Everyone around me has revaluated their lives and has been able to put their families first. The old Saying: you don’t know what you got till it’s gone” is so true. I now don’t take anything for granted. I enjoy every second of my life… whether you are sick or healthy you never know when your time is over. As I said before you could always open your door and get hit by a bus. People please each time you go somewhere tell your family you love them… even if you’re fighting say “I love you”. If something does happen let those be the last word you said…Never go to bed or leave the house fighting.

My brother who I have always been close to growing up… I am now even closer with. We tell each other” I love you” every time we see one and other… we even give each other a kiss on the cheek… This is what life is about… family, and that is how I spent my birthday with family. My brother came over with his kids; some very close friends were over with their kids. I spent the holiday with my parents and had a dinner with my in-laws. This is what life is about… family. I could not have had a better birthday – spending it with family was perfect… it was a birthday weekend spent with close friends and family. I do want to thank the Goren’s for the awesome crystal neck less… I know it will help be fight of f the big”C”.

The strength to fight

I have been asked many times over “where do you get the strength from to fight and keep the positive attitude you have?” Well I draw it from you… each and every one of you who has prayed for me… given me positive thoughts and advice… has told me I can do it. I get it all from you.

This morning I woke up to find a TV News forum I visit frequently (http://www.b-roll.net/) has done an article on me http://www.b-roll.net/today/2009/09/photog-documents-battle-with-cancer/ and my posting about my battle has received many replies. Fellow news photogs coming to my side to let me know they are thinking and praying for me. Many of these people I have never meet in person… many of these people I have debated with over styles of shooting and lighting… but when it comes to something like cancer they all have come to my side to support me… how can I not draw strength from that.

This weekend is a very special weekend for me not only is it Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year) L'Shana Tovav- it is my 39th birthday on Sunday… and since 39 isn’t in actuality a big birthday… and 40 is - this next birthday I plan on celebrating my 40th in a big way. At that point I will have beaten cancer or at least be close to beating it. I will be on the road to recovery. I want to celebrate in style. I want as many people there as possible who have loved and supported me through my battle. I also want a cake from Chef Duff… you know the guy who makes those amazing cakes on the Food Network – his show is called Ace of Cakes… so if anyone can hook me up with him let me know.

Seriously I know this next year will be a challenging one... a year with up and downs – but one year from know we will be celibrating my clean bill of health and my 40th birthday.. How awesome will that be?

Thanks again to everyone,

I love you all – and I will be posting a new video soon so look for that

I Have To Stick Around

First off again I have to thank everyone for the prayers I have and am receiving… I can’t explain just how overwhelming and encouraging that is… I love you all.

And sorry for the spelling… I am the world’s worst speller.

The most difficult part of my battle is not death… I’m not afraid of dying. I am afraid of leaving my family alone and not being there for them. I can’t imagine not being able to watch Cole grow up. Like I have said before I have to dance at his wedding… and I know I will. But I also have to be realistic and being diagnosed with brain cancer forces you to face your own mortality. If it’s not cancer it could be that famous bus we all have heard about… I could get hit by a bus at anytime.

I haven’t broken into tears much lately… but thinking about Cole growing up without me puts me into tears each time. I’m tearing up now. My biggest fear is will he remember me? His not even four years old… I don’t remember much from that age myself.

It does force me to cherish each and every second I have with him now. This morning I woke him up for school and I just wanted and did hold and hug him and let him know that I loved him. What’s really hard is discipline… I don’t want something to happen to me and his last memory of me is me punishing him.

Like I said I was forced to face my own mortality and all the things we would miss together. This is the scariest part of my battle. Once more I have to watch Cole grow up and be there for Kim.

It also makes me ask myself what is death? What happens to us when we die? Will I be able to look down and watch Kim and Cole? I know each religion has its own belief and I’m not even sure what Judaism teaches us to believe… But either way I hope we can look down and watch our loved ones go on without us. If I do leave before my time it’s nice to think that I’ll still be able to watch Cole grow up.

Crazy in the Hospital

During my last trip to the hospital at the end of August things got a little crazy… literally. I was given a large dose of steroids… a much larger dose than I normally get… several times what I typically get. The steroids help reduce swelling - mostly on the brain so I needed them after the last seizer. The only problem is I reacted to the large dose of steroids with a steroid induced psychosis… I went a little crazy.

Here is what I remember from that time. I thought the room was going to explode and was rapidly expanding... basically stretching… I could see people’s faces literally increasing, widening and growing in front of me. It was scary.

I also thought I was going to die… I thought I was about to leave this earth. As I recall my cousin Mellissa was in the room with me and I kept telling her to make sure she tells Cole I love him and was sorry that I was not going to be here for him.

I also recall telling Mellissa that I was about to join Poppop (my late grandfather). I really thought I was about to die.

There is a lot I don’t remember and I don’t want to know. I have asked my family not to tell me what I don’t recall… there are cretin things we just don’t need to know. What I do know is… I came home with sever scratches on my arm and chest. I have no idea how they got there and again I don’t want to know.

Once home I was having some weird vision changes. I was having what I call mirror vision not double vision but mirror vision. It’s hard to explain but the room would be split in half and would seem as if one side was mirrored on the other. This mostly happened when I got stressed while meeting with doctors.

The second vision change that happened and some people may think this is cool was the room would look like a cartoon. Everything looked cartoonish… it was freaky. This happened when I was watching cartoons on TV with my son Cole. Then sometimes again while watching TV the television would go black and white or a certain image would seem as if it froze on screen.

I think this was remnants from the high dose of steroids… one of my doctor’s thinks it may have been a seizer coming on and the meds stopping it. Either way they are gone now.

The Battle Goes On (but I’m not alone)

First off I my heart is with the family and friends of Patrick Swayze who passed away on Monday from pancreatic cancer. He was 57. Patrick Swayze was an inspiration to me and my battle with cancer and I only hope I can be half as strong as he was during his battle.

I want to steal a quote (with a few minor changes) from Dirty Dancing one of Swayze’s movies and dedicate to my wife Kim and my son Cole… “Now I‘m having the time of my life. No I never felt like this before. Yes I swear it's the truth and I it all to you”. Kim and Cole you are the ones who truly get me through each day. When I lay on the table getting radiation it’s the two of you I think of. It’s the two of you who get me through each second, hour, day and yes year.

What people don’t realize is just because I am the one with cancer my wife is battling it too. She is the one who makes sure I take my pills on time, go to the doctors, she is the one who asks the questions and does the research she is the one who keeps me alive and I want the world to know it. Kim thank you for being there for me… thank you for everything. I love you.

As far what’s in store for me today? Well I am getting ready to head out for another zap of radiation… six down twenty-four to go… then my chemotherapy pills double. I just hope when chemotherapy doubles I still feel as amazing as I do today.

Last night I met with my business partners for The Law TV and I want to thank them too meeting with them and talking about something other than cancer gave me a new boost of energy… thanks guys!

People keep telling me through email and facebook that I am an inspiration… what they don’t know is… they are the inspiration (at least to me). Telling me to stay strong and keep up the positive attitude is what gets me through each day.

The Fight

First off I my heart is with the family and friends of Patrick Swayze who passed away on Monday from pancreatic cancer. He was 57. Patrick Swayze was an inspiration to me and my battle with cancer and I only hope I can be half as strong as he was during his battle.

I want to steal a quote (with a few minor changes) from Dirty Dancing one of Swayze’s movies and dedicate to my wife Kim and my son Cole… “Now I‘m having the time of my life. No I never felt like this before. Yes I swear it's the truth and I it all to you”. Kim and Cole you are the ones who truly get me through each day. When I lay on the table getting radiation it’s the two of you I think of. It’s the two of you who get me through each second, hour, day and yes year.

What people don’t realize is just because I am the one with cancer my wife is battling it to. She is the one who makes sure I take my pills on time, go to the doctors, she is the one who asks the questions and does the research she is the one who keeps me alive and I want the world to know it. Kim thank you for being there for me… thank you for everything. I love you.


As far what’s in store for me today? Well I am getting ready to head out for another zap of radiation… six down twenty-four to go… then my chemotherapy pills double. I just hope when chemotherapy doubles I still feel as amazing as I do today.

People keep telling me through email and facebook that I am an inspiration… what they don’t know is… they are the inspiration (at least to me). Telling me to stay strong and keep up the positive attitude is what gets me through each day.

Me

I started Chemotherapy and radiation on Tuesday, September 8, 2009 and so far I am feeling great, really I feel pretty awesome. I would say I feel about 85% of what I use to feel like before getting the big “C”. I know it may not last but so far so good. I’m expecting to get sick - this way if I do get sick I won’t be disappointed… but wow am I feeling good. I think a big part of it is the love and support I am getting from my friends and family.

The doctors tell me that as a result of the radiation my hair may never grow back in the spat that got zapped. O well I’ll have a bald spot on the side of my head. If the worst thing I walk away with once this is all over is a scar and a bald spot I am a winner. I mean who cares? A bald spot! I usually shave my head anyways. I could always do the comb over?!?!?!Monday, September 14, 2009

I started Chemotherapy and radiation on Tuesday, September 8, 2009 and so far I am feeling great, really I feel pretty awesome. I would say I feel about 85% of what I use to feel like before getting the big “C”. I know it may not last but so far so good. I’m expecting to get sick - this way if I do get sick I won’t be disappointed… but wow am I feeling good. I think a big part of it is the love and support I am getting from my friends and family.

The doctors tell me that as a result of the radiation my hair may never grow back in the spat that got zapped. O well I’ll have a bald spot on the side of my head. If the worst thing I walk away with once this is all over is a scar and a bald spot I am a winner. I mean who cares? A bald spot! I usually shave my head anyways. I could always do the comb over?!?!?!

I have brain cancer. Words I never thought I would say. But it’s true… I have a level four glioblastoma a brain tumor.

This is a battle, but it’s a battle I am going to win. I have to dance at my son’s wedding, and as of today (9/11/09) he is only four and a half.

Being diagnosed with a brain tumor is scary that was the worst day of my life... But I’ll tell you it puts life into perspective. What once mattered means nothing now.

Let me explain.

This all started in June of 2009. I had a seizer; I had never had one before. The night of the seizer both my wife Kim and I had food poisoning from our favorite Mexican restaurant. Kim found me in the bathroom shaking and called 911 I was taken to the hospital and the doctors thought that I hit my head on the wall from being dizzy because of the food poisoning and aside from doing a MRI blew it off.

A few weeks later I had a second seizer. We knew now something was wrong. The doctors again did a MRI and found a bleed on the brain; nevertheless they blew that off too. They did though diagnose me with epilepsy. Once someone has two seizers they are automaticity diagnosed with epilepsy. I was told I could not drive for six month; I had to go six months seizer free before I could get behind the wheel. I was devastated. This to me was the end of the world. Well a few weeks go by and bam I have a third seizer. Now we know something is seriously wrong. I do not remember much about this trip to the hospital because I was put into a medically induced coma, while in the coma I got pneumonia from aspirating. Once I woke up my family was fighting to get me transferred to U of M. They felt the doctors were missing something. Well they were!

Somehow my amazing wife Kim got me an appointment with Dr. Jacques Marcos one of the top neurosurgeons in the country. We met with him on Friday, August 1, 2009 he took one look at my MRIs and said “there is no easy way to say this but you are going to have brain surgery” and he scheduled it for the following Monday August 3, 2009 and told me I had a tumor.

Surgery went great, I was released from the hospital three days after he cracked open my head and I was back to shooting video a week after surgery. I felt great like nothing was wrong aside from having a head full of stitches.

A week after having surgery I went back to Miami to se Dr. Marcos and his team to have the stiches removed and receive the results of the pathology report. My brother Craig went with me and Kim stayed to work. We were originally were under the impression that the pathology report would be good the worst we thought we would hear is that the tumor was a level three glioblastoma. Kim and both felt it was more important for to save her days off for future treatment. You have to understand Kim is my source of insurance without her working I have none. So Craig went with me we had Kim on speaker phone when Dr.Marcos told us the news that I had a glioblastoma level four and we had a battle a head of us… the three of us broke into tears and Kim felt even worse not being with us. This is where life was put into perspective for me. Not being able to drive automatically seemed petty to me… I wanted to trade the cancer back for that problem.

I was never told a survival rate but was told that a glioblastoma was not good. At first I asked “why me” and broke down several times in tears. Then while visiting one of my doctors in iMiami I met a gentleman who has been battling cancer his entire life and was in his forty’s. He had the most amazing attitude I had ever seen. He was fighting and was not going to let the cancer win. He was an inspiration and I will never forget him. It was then I realized that I had to have a positive attitude too in order to beat this… and I have had that attitude ever since. But it’s not just me. I have amazing support system, from my family, to friends, to even strangers they are one of the ways I get by. If it wasn’t for Kim I don’t know where I would be today. She is the one who got me in to see Dr.Marcos and he along with Kim I believe saved my life. Then there is my brother Craig who ended up being the best brother in the world he did whatever it took to get things done, from helping Kim get me transferred to Miami to talking to doctors when I couldn’t to doing whatever he had to make sure I was okay. He defines what a brother truly is. Then there is the rest of the family my in-laws who were there every step of the way not only for me but for Kim, My parents, My Aunt Andy, Cousin Melissa, Kim’s Aunt Barbara who was willing to fly down from NY to help… the list goes on. My friends were there. My friends even had their churches and temples praying for me… I had strangers praying for me. I can’t explain just how that felt; it makes me tear up just thinking about all the love and support I have received. Even friends on facebook are praying for me and telling me that I am an inspiration to them.

Then a couple weeks after receiving the news that I had cancer I had another seizer at sisterin-laws house and one more while at home I was taken to Boca Community Hospital. This ended up being a blessing in disguise. We ended up meeting an amazing group of doctors who ended up taking over my case. Aunt Barbara flew down to help Kim out with me.

The new doctors set me up for treatment radiation and chemotherapy pills (thermador). I started this on Tuesday, September 8, 2009.

I want to get back to the positive attitude; this I feel is the key to survival.

I pulled several quotes from some of my favorite songs to help me get by. I want to share them with you.

Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze It means no worries for the rest of your days It's our problem-free philosophy.
Disney’s Lion King

You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real.
Van Hallen’s Jump

Catch that magic moment, do it...Right here and now...It means everything.
Van Hallen’s Right now

And simply “life is good”

I was recently told “your attitude is so inspirational”